5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.