Spring cleaning checklist…
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
There’s always that one guy
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Festive toon…
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.