“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.