Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit