There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
a god among men
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
#damn
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
#CatsOnTwitter
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!