[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
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Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.