Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*swipes right on my hand mirror