If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
it was love at first sight
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover