Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
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[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.