Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out