My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping