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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.