Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”