judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
When you let grandma cat sit
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?