I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Something Saturday.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too