Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Most fashion shows these days…
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.