[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
? 💀
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
When I said I liked it rough.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE