The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I ate everything, including the H.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.