me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
You Might Also Like
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me driving through Toronto
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.