Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark