Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.