The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.