Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
dutch is not a serious language
Saturday
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again