Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement