5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
You Might Also Like
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Taking phone security to the next level.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.