I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.