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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Britain be like
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Fries, not lies.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.