The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
brian had himself a morning…
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.