Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
hackers play passwordle
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Stick it to the man
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat