People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
You Might Also Like
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Happy Star Wars day!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.