Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that