At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.