I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
You Might Also Like
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Damn what did I do next
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…