officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
kids play hide and seek like
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets