Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting