Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire