Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You Might Also Like
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Monday
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!