Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.