I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
some Old Testament wisdom
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.