To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”