This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You Might Also Like
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.