A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger