ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!