me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
You Might Also Like
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.