[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”