It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*puts cutlery down*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?