This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.