Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda