Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.