If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.